For years my Mother has told me that I'm afraid of love, that I'm afraid of the loss of control over my heart and I have finally grown enough to say that she is right. Damn it, she is right. And now that I have realized this, I have begun to notice the world sending me messages about how to release the grip of fear that often surrounds my heart.
A few days ago, I read Martha Beck's advice, etc. column in this month's O magazine titled, "Lover's Leap". Her words resonated within my fearful heart.
Beck writes, "Whatever your own heart-coffins may be, notice that they're ruining your happiness, not preserving it. As poet Mary Oliver puts it,
Listen, are you breathing just a little,
and calling it a life?...
For how long will you continue to listen to
those dark shouters,
caution and prudence?
Fall in! Fall in!"
and later in the article, Beck continues,
"A man asks his rabbi, "Why does God write the law on our hearts? Why not in our hearts? It's the inside of my heart that needs God." The rabbi answers, "God never forces anything into a human heart. He writes the word on our hearts so that when our hearts break, God falls in." Whatever you hold sacred, you'll find that an unguarded broken heart is the ideal instrument for absorbing it.
If you fall into intimacy without resistance, despite your alarm, either you will fall into love, which is exquisite, or love will fall into you, which is more exquisite still. Do it enough, and you may just love your fear of falling. You'll get better at missing the ground, at keeping a crushed heart open so that love can find all the broken pieces. And the next time you feel that vertiginous sensation of the floor disappearing, even as your reflexes tell you to duck and grab, you'll hear an even deeper instinct saying, Fall in! Fall in!"
I think I'm ready to fall in.
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