Monday, May 08, 2017

Coming out of the fog...

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The lack of sunshine hit me hard this year. Really hard. I'm coming out of the fog and I can, in hindsight, see how hard it hit me. March and April were a mess.

Easter came and I'm reminded every year of that horrible year when my Dad told me something was wrong with his body. I remember sitting at the long table at Preservation Kitchen with my whole family and feeling that punch in the gut. I remember taking charge and telling my Dad that I would be attending his doctor appointments with him. I knew I had to rise up. I knew I didn't want to rise up.

This year, there was no sun to lift my spirits. There was just vitamin D deficiency and a creative ask to be in the mess. My creativity group dove deep into the mess of life and I was wallowed in it. I kept looking back and remembering how I was struggling with two kids, pumping because my baby wouldn't breast feed, taking on the responsibility of my Mom and praying that my Father was not as sick as his doctor said he was. He was sicker than we admitted to ourselves.

Every Easter, I try to embrace the cheer of the season. I try to remember, "He is risen!" but I drift down that road where I am reminded he is gone. I work to embrace my children's pleasure in the Easter bunny and their chocolate smeared faces. I watch them as they sneak candy from all the places we attempt to hide it. Candy desires are hard to tame.

This weekend though, the sun came out and I felt my soul soar. I felt the fog lift away. The last week or so, I've felt my energy coming back. I've felt my desires to get things done lift up. This is a core part of me, I am a do-er. I do stuff. I do not sit on the sidelines and yet the fog made it hard for me to see the field, to see what I wanted to accomplish. I felt lost and aimless.

Now though that the fog is lifted, I'm feeling my creativity grow and I'm excited. I'm going to need the sunshine to stick around for awhile because it appears I really need it.
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